Revision Season #9: Before You Can Say Knife
On showing my work and a case of the 4ams and reaching the end of my novel revision
HI FRIENDS!
I did it. I wrote the novel.
For the better part of the year, I’ve had this little orange card taped to my computer, always in my line of vision, that reads: TRY TO WRITE THE NOVEL. It was advice from an early winter conversation with my agent1 about focus, about feeling the pull of my energy towards writing stories, and the particular anxiety about not finishing anything that I could make visible, about—I can see now—being afraid this novel wouldn’t go as I’d hoped it would. And she said to me, simply: just try to write the novel. I wrote that down in my notebook and then on that card. That directive contained just enough pressure for me to do just that; it eased me into the place where I knew I could actually work rather than obsessing over what I should be working on or if it was any good.
Yesterday morning I took that little sign down, and the two other guiding sticky notes that have been affixed to my computer for some time. One reads FLIPBOOK and the other ILLUMINATION vs DENIAL. I clearly favor all caps when a big idea hits. The former a structural framework for the telling of the story, and the latter an emotional tension I was moving my characters between. I put all three of these notes at the current page in my novel notebook, because I did do it, I did write the novel, and these guideposts, lamplights, stars, whatever we want to call them, they have done what they need to to get me here, and I want to remember them but I don’t need them anymore.
And you! You have gotten me here, too. I have really—to my own surprise, honestly; I’m particularly adverse to public encouragement, an odd quality in a writer and a Leo—enjoyed sharing so much of my process with you, and appreciate your coming along with such enthusiasm, encouragement, solidarity, admiration, etc. Your notes and likes and comments have eased the feeling I mention above, of always wanting to show my work even if you can’t read it yet, though of course, I very much hope you will do that when the time comes, too.
And now, for the final revision list!
What I’ve Done
This and this and this and this and this and this and this and this.
Chapter 9 was a doozy. I think I was trying to cram in so much here, a sort of WAIT! BEFORE YOU HANG UP! kind of information dump. All the things I wanted to say about these people before we leave them that I didn’t get to in ch 1-8. All the things they want to say to each other, and whew, do they say it in this chapter. On Sunday, I jammed through chapter sections in 9. The last one was a holy mess, and I cleaned it up best I could. On Monday, I listened to that difficult section, taking notes on what I heard as the scene centers I wanted to anchor on—my messiest writing is often a floating thing, not grounded in any moment, just thoughts, truths, wandering interiority, and I knew it needed more solid grounding in scene. I printed what I had, again, first time I’ve done that in this revision. I texted my friend/novel savior Nick White a question about tenure, and he called me and explained it while I furiously took notes, and he gave me a great idea for a tension point or two. I reverse outlined the pages I’d reprinted using these scene points and thematics I noticed when I listened. Then I outlined. Then I used colored pencils to underline the pages again to correspond with the sections I’d outlined. I really wish I could show you these pages. Besides keeping them under wraps because they’re an early draft, they are also full of the book’s spoilers, so no go. But maybe one day.
For most of last week, I was up at 4 am for no good reason. I think it was a kind of energy churning I had related to finishing the book according to my schedule, which was mostly random but also had to do with kittens (more on that in a minute). On Wednesday, I reached the literal end, entering in the last of my edits. I still had some things to do but told a few people, but I did not feel done, not in the way you’d think I would: free, in some way, elated. I was actually feeling a nearly immediate depression. The rest of that day I had an intense sinking feeling that the book that was better in my head than on the 380 pages I now had devoted multiple years to.
It’s time, my friends, to share my overused words, which I did on Thursday (when I was up at 4:30ish). Running through these took the edge off some of the depression I was feeling. Just seeing all the pages and pages I’d written, attended to, and I could finally feel the sense of accomplishment I know I should at this stage. Here there are, in the order I wrote them down, and what I learned in my search for them. The ones without comment were mostly not a thing, some of which (tender, for example) really surprised me.
sense: I use this one in place of felt or thought, or to indicate an imprecision in the character, a lack of surety. Sometimes it was a stand in for perception, but it was always a question of whether the character KNEW or FELT something, and how strongly. Was it a notion or feeling or idea or way? There were A LOT of these. Some I kept in. Many I replaced, but not easily. It’s fascinating to me that this is probably my most overused word, and it makes sense (oy). The book is told retrospectively, and is about people’s perception of events and one another, so much unsaid. Often, they can only sense, as what they know is often questioned by others. This search uncovered more than a few nonsenses, which were fun.
soften/softly/soft/softness: Hey did you know that the British slang for softening someone to you is nobble? I somehow cannot believe this is true. A stand in, sometimes, for an apology on someone’s face. A surrender. Low volume or sweetness.
maybe: A hard one to replace. It’s either this or perhaps (perchance is a lovely word but not the most viable alternative, uh, ever). Sometimes, possibly. But I wanted to pay attention to it in speech (natural, as a word we say often), versus in narrative. A lot of these could be cut, as it was sometimes me undermining what I knew as an author, introducing doubt where there didn’t need to be.
some + versions: Lots of these, but a lot of easy cuts, or replacements: some part=the part. A lot of transforming vagueness to specificity in that way, using “a” or “the.” My tendency to use some is my natural ear, the way it comes out but not necessarily what I mean. Somehows—also cut, mostly, as, like the maybe above, they were authorial intrusion 99% of the time, me throwing in doubt where it didn’t need to be. Some was kind of like a placeholder as I was figuring it out.
pretend: an important theme of the novel, so when I use it, I want to use it well
sudden (+ variations): Did you know that a replacement for “all of a sudden” is “before you can say knife”, which my god, I might have to make a short story title
gentle/gently: Most often here I really meant cautiously, carefully.
trust: one of those words that is both common in language and also vital to the story, so it’s said often (but not too often. I left most of these in).
Turned out not really to be a thing, but on my list: century, suffer, scold, hope, comfort, playful(ness), creaking, refusal, charm(ing), kind/kindness, stretch, monster, tender/tenderness, animal (so many stuffed animals, because kids!), delight, broad and smirk, which I was surprised to not find that many of!
Friday, up at not 4am but an extra special 3:30 am 🥴, I went to my desk 5ish and started the last of my tasks, which included some necessary context for readers on source material, and formatting, which always takes so much longer than it should. By 11 I had sent it to readers. I was still in pajamas. I had a stack of unopened boxes of kitten things (but no kitten). I ate lunch, took a bath. Tried my damndest to do nothing for the rest of the day. Felt really fucking proud of myself.
What I’m Doing Now/What’s Ahead
Cleaning my desk, deep scrub, new altars2 level.
Novel-wise, patiently waiting for feedback from my first readers, which will take a couple of months.
Working on reaching calm acceptance between our new kitten, Archie, and our dog, June. Till now, it’s been a lot of what the hell ARE you and what are you doing in MY house, including (if not more so?) from Archie, who has been here approximately 4 days but also yelled at us like the little clown he is till we picked him out of all the adorable kittens at the ASPCA. I did not exactly think through what it would be like to have two animals in my home with inflated and yet fragile egos. Like a novel revision, we’re aiming for progress over speed so we don’t have to go back and fix our work. We’re separating them a lot, using scent swapping, and daily quick, postiviely reinforced contact, mostly working with the dog because apparently cats don’t listen to anyone. If you happen to have done this yourself, please send tips in the comments or reply directly to me.
Giving myself time off of writing for October. I’m teaching and working with a fair number of clients one-on-one and my schedule is somehow more booked than before and my brain needs a break.
What I’ve Learned
Right after I finished the edits I had to go to an appointment, and I could see I was about to miss a train. The 1 train in my neighborhood is elevated, and so is up a lot of stairs, which makes running for it an extra challenge I was definitely not in the mood for that day. I had time; there would be another train. And of course, in that so close to the end moment, it quickly became a metaphor I could use to make sense of the weird feeling I was carrying, about how I was done but didn’t feel finished, or satisfied, the unsettled feeling I did not like.
Missing the train, or, more importantly, remembering there was another one, that the trains run and run all day and all night3 helped me remember to leave space in my process too, that it should actually feel unfinished because it is. I need space for the good advice I’ll get from my first readers, and from the version of myself that will return to the draft ready to put that advice into action. There’s a lot to be proud of in the current draft and the worst thing I can do to myself is actually convince myself it’s done or just a few line edits away from being close to.
What I’m Afraid Of
99% of my brain is occupied by hoping the dog and the kitten can be in the same room without constant human vigilance. By the end of the month? Who knows! Anyone speak cat and have advice?
Religion of Office Supplies Report
That last section of chapter 9 really called it all in. Highlighters came out. Colored pencils after that. The printed pages were rainbow nonsense in the end, but it’s always about the process of isolating the parts and not about the result usually. It was also a heavy notebook day. I cannot believe I haven’t shouted out my notebooks! Moleskine, blank, softcover large; I’m currently using the red color.
Where to Find Me
If you really want to see process in action, I’m running my one day hands-on seminar on Reverse Outlining for Fiction Projects on Monday, October 23rd, from 5-7:30pm. $125, on Zoom. It works great in revision but as well in generative stages, too. You need 10-20 pages of something in progress.
It might be a touch longer till the next Talk Soon, but not too long. Though I’m going to take a brief break from the every other week writing while I catch up on all the things I’ve put aside to finish the revision, I will be back on that schedule in November if not earlier. I hope you’ll stick around.
Thanks for letting me talk this all through with you.
Talk Soon,
Danielle
My agent is the very wise, very brilliant, very casually cool Barbara Jones.
If your ears perked at altars, I highly recommend Kay Turner’s A Beautiful Necessity: The Art and Meaning of Women’s Altars. It’s not longer in print, but many used copies abound, including this one on eBay.
In the metaphor, the MTA is always running and weekend work never gets in the way of plans.
Congrats! I'm also a super-early-riser, especially at times of stress. The focus is good at those hours but I find you pay for it in the end ... Good luck with the rest of the process!
Amazing!!!!!! Thrilled for you.